


My secrets

by Anox



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Cutting, Family, Heavy Petting, Kissing, Love, Love Letters, Relationship Problems, Self-Harm, Sex, heart surgery, my life, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-09-20 14:54:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17024760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anox/pseuds/Anox
Summary: This is no fanfiction. This is my life. I am trying to find myself again and writing seems to help. I just need to tell someone how I feel and not get judged.





	1. Parents

I lay awake at night. Can't seem to find rest. My mind running wild. Head placed on the big teddy I got for my birthday from my little sister. I love that bear.

I think about cutting myself but deep down I know it would be a mistake. So instead I just lay here head full of worries and the bitter need to hurt myself.

I hear my sister sleeping next door. Peaceful and I wonder how my family would react if they came to know what I have been doing.

They can't never find out the way I think, I feel. I wish I could be different. I feel like a disappointment and not worth it to be here. 

A big part in my life is the relationship between my parents. My dad doesn't show affection. It is hard to talk to him and not get offended by the things he says. "You should watch what you're eating.", "You can see that you don't play basketball anymore." or "It seems like you really like the food." are just some sentences that hurt you. Because yiu know you got fat because you don't have time to do sports during the workdays and when you have a day off or a free weekend you just don't want to do anything. Even looking in the mirror is hard an you manage to avoid it.

The words of your dad hurt you deep and sometimes you just want ro scream in hs face that you are trying. You are giving your best and you are trying to make everyone happy, so clearly the one who gets left behind is yourself. Still you can't do that. So you sit there and smile while your heart breaks a little bit more and you wonder bow much longer it will take to completely shatter you.

I know that my mum has an affair because she doesn't feel loved by her husband. She works all the time and he mostly sits around and watches TV. She is sad. She would have left him a long time ago if it weren't for my sisters and me. The worst part about it is that we all would be okay with them separating. My sisters can't connect with our dad and they don't want to try anymore.

Instead of finally leaving my dad, my mum is miserable and she let's me know that a lot. She tells me that she is tired that she can't take it anymore and I can feel her pain. I try my best to help her. And while I am sure she is unaware of it she breaks me just like my father.

So I feel like a burden and like I am not good enough for anything. 


	2. Physical contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still no fanfiction

I am 23 years old and never had a real relationship. Of course I had a boyfriend of some sort before but I never felt love for them.

So I'll tell you about them. 

The first boy was in the same grade as me. We are going to call him Paul. So I think it was around 7th grade. After school my big sister and I would go into the "Tagesheim" which is basically a place where you would get to eat and then do your homework until you could go catch your bus or got picked up by your parents. Since we were living a little far away from school without any public transportation we got picked up around 4 or 5 p.m.

Paul and I were in the same study group and one day he was all sad since his girlfriend just broke up with him. I didn't know what to do to cheer him up so I did the only thing I could think of. And wrote him a letter that he was a nice boy and that I liked him and if he would be my boyfriend. 

Don't get me wrong I liked him but not more than a friend. 

Anyway he said yes. We held hands and kissed on the cheeks. I recall even giving him a peck on his lips once. He was happy and that made me happy. 

I never fell in love with him during our time. And I think we broke up about half a year later since I never really wanted to get into physical contact. 

Let's get to boyfriend number two. As I mentioned in chapter one I played basketball. I was part of a team that played together with people with disabilities. 

Yes, I got together with one of my teammates. 

It was sometime in the winter and we had our yearly tournament in Nuremberg. It was the second time I was part of this and my best friend at that time also was one of the players. It was actually her idea to get together with that boy. Let's call him Dave.

So she told me that Dave liked me and I didn't know what to do. Dave had wrote me a letter asking if I was interested. And stupid me who's never able to say no answered with a yes.

So that's how we started going out. It was fun. We made out sometime and talked a lot. At some pointI started to feel like he wanted too much of me. You have to know that he wanted to talk on the phone every night and text with me whenever possible and meet at the weekends. It was way too much.

So after about a year I ended the relationship and told him will find someone better. He did.

The third and last boy I kind of liked. He is the son of one of my mother's friends. I think Victor would be a fit for him.

So we started slowly. Getting to know each other after going to a concert together with my big sister and her boyfriend. We talked a lot and took long walks. I enjoyed our time together. 

We were never a couple but we did make out and did a little more than that. Well no sex but still more than I ever did with any other boy. 

After that everything kind of escalated quickly. We texted and he started to say that he thinks I am not open enough since I wouldn't tell him everything. And that he would help me evolve. I have to say that he is like only a year older than me... So how could he tell me that he would help me?

We came to the conclusion that it would be best to stop seeing or texting each other.

As you all can see I never had a real loving relationship. I never had sex and I believe a big part of me thinks that there must be something wrong with me.

I never felt love and to be honest I don't think I am capable of it. 

I get spooked by physical contact and don't know how to act when someone shows affection. 


	3. Good day

I tell myself:"Today was a good day" I went to work around 7 a.m. Only got yelled at three times or so. I finished everything I had to do even though I got only a 30 minutes break at 2:15 p.m. Around half past seven p.m. I drove home.

You see I didn't do much today beside work. That's kind of normal. I work on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and every second weekend. On Thursday I have school and if needed I'll work on Wednesday.

If I don't work I have to help at home as much as possible. I'll drive for my mum to pick up work for her, go to buy some water since my dad is too sick to carry it. 

You are probably wondering why today was a good day. Well, I had no time to think about life. I had no time to think about any other thing than work. Today I just functioned and that is the best. If I have time to think I'll just end up being sad again. 

I don't want to feel that way but I don't know how to fully stop it. 

That's why I am telling myself that today was a good day. Maybe someday I'll believe it and if I am lucky there will be more good days.

Until then I will try. I'll smile and just function. I'll do what is asked of me. 

Yes. TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY.


	4. Christmas

Christmas... A holiday to be with your family. Well at least that is what everyone thinks but in our society I think the presents are most important to everyone. As I mentioned before my dad is sick and we don't know what's going on with him. So this Christmas kind of sucks.

We'll spend the next days pretending that everything is alright but the truth is we don't know what the future holds and we are scared. At least I am scared. 

I am scared that I'll lose my dad in the near future eveb though he says a lot of hurtful things he is still my dad. And the 27th of December he has to go to the hospital again to get another biopsy. If everything goes well it won't be a big deal but you no me... In my head all the bad scenarios start to play and I can't stand it. 

What if something goes wrong? Will we be able to work everything out at home? How will we keep the business alive? What can I do to help... NOTHING!

So I just sit here thinking about how our life could be changed in only a minute or even a second. It scares me. And I want to cry. To yell and scream because I have no power to change anything or to do anything. I feel useless. I can't tell anyone. 

So Christmas will be a family holiday this year and only if we are lucky it won't be the last one. 


	6. New year

It's a new year. So far nothing bad happened but my brain doesn't seem to understand that I should be fine.

I am lying in bed again thinking... The scalpel would be easy to reach just a few steps and I could grab it. My skin itches every part of me wants so see it. See how the blade cuts into my flesh and then slowly there will be blood coming from the cut.

Instead of doing it I am lying here writing, trying to get over my need. It sucks that I feel this way that I want to hurt myself. How can anyone ever accept me like this? Broken and I don't even know why. I don't think I had a bad childhood and I don't think I have a bad life. I know there are people in this world who have it way worse than anything I'll ever have.

So why do I feel the need to cut? Why do I feel empty and don't have any energy to fight? 

Now I am crying because I don't see a way out. I think a lot about killing myself. It would be easy only two cuts. Or maybe drive the car against a tree. Just letting go. What I holding me back? Guilt... I feel guilty for my selfishness I'll hurt so many people just because I am to weak to fight.

Tomorrow I'll go to work like nothing is wrong. I'll even make jokes with the clients and my colleagues... They'll never know. You would never know if you met me. I'll smile and you wouldn't see the pain or the emptyness. You'll see a young woman doing her job. 


	7. Cut

I did it again... I tried so hard but today and the last few days were just the worst and the only way I know to handle it was using the blade.

I hate me for doing it. 

My dad got his results of the biopsie and it seems that something is growing near his heart partly stopping the bloid rushing through one of the vanes. He will have to go to a cardiologist on Monday and there is no way he doesn't need surgery.

I am doing everything I can to help at home but it is never enough... I mentioned before that the relationship to my dad is very complicated since he is a master in hurting our feelings by just a small comment. But a few days agohe hurt me more than ever before.

I was in my room reading a book as he passed the open door and said I should go and hang up the washed clothes. I said I'll do it. It seems that this wasn't enough for an answer and he continues to ask if I was planning to spend the whole day in bed. I said no and that I would hang the clothes in just a minute. Suddenly he got louder and said that I never do anything that I am told and that he had enough. I would only come if I needed money - what I never do... He then just left, went down the stairs and I just sat there in shock. It hurt me that he doesn't appreciate the things I do and only thinks that I am laying around all day when in truth I am doing so much more... I go to work, I help at home as good as I can, I drive the work to our clients or pick it up and I go to school...

I felt so useless in that moment and knowing me I still hurt because of his words. Another scar I can add to my soul and a few scares I added to my back... 


	8. Heart

Alright we kind of know what's wrong with dad. He is sick and finally the doctors are figuring out what is going on.

Well, apparently he has a structure growing on a vain next to his heart. This is slowly closing up the vain so he gets trouble breathing and his heart rhythm sucks even when he is just sitting around.

Tomorrow they want to do a MRI to see how big the structure is. Then they want to make a small operation and just take a tiny bit of the carcinoma to find out if it's the bad kind.

I don't know how I should feel about all of this... On the one hand he is my father and I feel worried that something goes wrong and he dies but on the other hand our relationship never was that good and I start to notice that I feel nothing at all. 

Does that make me a monster? I just can't see what I could do to help or change anything... It's completely out of my control which is a big part why I just feel nothing. I don't see any use in getting upset or cry that won't help anyone. 

So instead I am going to work like everything is alright. I am going to school talk to my friends run errands and everything like nothing is going to change.

The only thing I now hate is that I lay in bed late at night and just hope to fall asleep before I start to overthink everything and then fall apart. 

I think I just have to lock my heart away so I can be strong for the rest of the family. 


	9. Surgery

It's been a while... A lot is going on right now. 

My dad had his heart surgery on Monday. Everything went fine. They were able to reconstruct one of the vanes and get the cancer out ofnthe heart chamber but ther is still a lot left. Even though the surgery was a success he hasn't woken up yet. 

On the night between Tuesday and Monday his heart started to get weak so they connected it to an external pacemaker. Since he doesn't wake up and his lungs don't function like they should he is on a breathing machine. He also gets dialysis since the day before yesterday.

They tried to let the sedating run out to see if he is able to breath on his own and if he would wake up. Well breathing kind of worked but he doesn't wake up so they sedated him again. 

Next Monday all the surgeons are going to meet and try to figure out why he won't wake up. 


	10. No hope

There is no hope left. My mum talked to the doctors today and they said there is no hope that my dad will recover.

So tomorrow they will stop everything and that will be the end. 

As I wrote before I am not good at physical contact which is why I feel helpless. I don't know how I can help my sisters or my mum to grief. I can't hug them because it just feels strange. And I don't know what to say to make this better.

All I can do right now is go to work and try to forget everything while just focusing on the task ahead. 

Tomorrow we hav four surgeries which is why I refuse to stay home in the morning. I can't let my colleagues down. 

My mum doesn't understand that going to work makes me feel somehow helpfull. I can't do anything at home but I can help sick animals and support my boss and colleagues. 

I am not sure if I can work without crying suddenly since I tend to feel down now and as soon as I remember my dad it feels like a knife is jabbed into my chest.

I know it is funny that I feel this way since no one had such a good relationship with my dad but still I wish everything would be different. I wish that he would just wake up. I wish... but I can't change the present or the past...

So, there is no hope left and it feels like I get torn apart. 


	11. No hope

There is no hope left. My mum talked to the doctors today and they said there is no hope that my dad will recover.

So tomorrow they will stop everything and that will be the end. 

As I wrote before I am not good at physical contact which is why I feel helpless. I don't know how I can help my sisters or my mum to grief. I can't hug them because it just feels strange. And I don't know what to say to make this better.

All I can do right now is go to work and try to forget everything while just focusing on the task ahead. 

Tomorrow we hav four surgeries which is why I refuse to stay home in the morning. I can't let my colleagues down. 

My mum doesn't understand that going to work makes me feel somehow helpfull. I can't do anything at home but I can help sick animals and support my boss and colleagues. 

I am not sure if I can work without crying suddenly since I tend to feel down now and as soon as I remember my dad it feels like a knife is jabbed into my chest.

I know it is funny that I feel this way since no one had such a good relationship with my dad but still I wish everything would be different. I wish that he would just wake up. I wish... but I can't change the present or the past...

So, there is no hope left and it feels like I get torn apart. 


	12. Death

Yesterday my dad died. It took only 45minutes after they turned off the machines. 45 minutes he struggled but in the end there was nothing that could have saved him. 

I am playing tough cause no one should know how broken I am. All my friends tell me that they will help me in every way possible but I can't ask that of them. So I am alone fighting the sadness within me and trying to find myself again.

I miss my das even though the relationship between us never was good. 

I cry in the darkness when no one can see or hear me.

I cry and I break a little everytime I remember the good times. 


	13. Find me....

Find me when the moon shines bright. Look for the lost and you'll see me standing alone. I hate that I feel this way and that I can't find my way out.

My mum asked me why I cut. She saw the scars on my arm... I am smarter now, you can't see the cuts anymore since you would need to undress me first.

She asked me why I did it and I couldn't answer. I can't tell her that I feel useless most of the time. I can't tell her that I feel ugly and that I don't know who I am and I just feel lost and cutting somehow gives me a feeling of control. It would hurt her... She thinks I am strong and I always finish what I am starting... Well I never went through with my plan to end it all because I can't leave everyone behind.

So instead of telling her anything of this I just said if I am ready to tell you I will... 

I don't think there will ever be a time when I would be ready... 

So maybe I just stay lost a little while longer... Until someone finds me or I  might find myself. 


	14. The Dream

I had a dream a few nights ago. It was a nightmare that's why I woke up crying desperate for air. 

In my dream I saw my dad. We were at some kind of theater and my little sister was there too. She was about to get thrown out because her phone lit up during the performance. I stood up and defended her and as I wad looking through the group of people sitting around us I saw him.

He looked at me as if he was proud of me for standing up for my sister. As I looked for a second time he wa gone. In that moment some guy said that it was okay and my sister would be allowed to stay so the show could continue. 

I didn't listen to a word he said because I was searching for my dad but he was gone. I couldn't breathe tears started streaming down my face and I tried to escape the room. I didn't made it far since I fell to the floor screaming for my dad to come back that he can't leave me again. 

That's when I woke up. I laid there tears running down my cheeks. 

I can't forget the dream. It hurts every time I remember it. 


End file.
